Don't Ask.

My husband and I have been discussing our hopes of starting a family soon. I know it's something we both want, but it's something we have to be very cautious about, considering my depression and anxiety. 

Having found a treatment option that works for me right now, I question how I will cope with my condition without medication, if we were to be pregnant now. I even worry that I won't be a good mother with my depression and anxiety. What if it is genetic, and I end up passing it onto our future child? There is also the possibility that we just aren't able to conceive. 


Ugh, Anxiety overload

We are going to wait a little bit longer until I feel comfortable enough to gradually taper off the medication. We haven't really told anyone else about our hopes and plans for our pregnancy because personally I feel like it's a lot of pressure to put on ourselves {especially me} if for whatever reason we cannot become pregnant. Besides, I feel that it's no one's business but ours.


But I guess it's the elephant in the room and people will ask, regardless.

There's this older lady around our neighborhood that walks her labrador retriever. We usually exchange niceties and have been pleasant with one another. Not too long ago, she asked, "So did you already have the baby?" Startled, I replied, "What baby?" At this point, I think she knew she put her foot in her mouth, but she continued, "Oh, my daughter thought you were pregnant recently so..."

In other words, her daughter thought I had a belly. I was hurt, because it's been a while since I was publicly body shamed. I suddenly felt self conscious and wrapped myself up in my jacket. Additionally, what if I had been pregnant, but had a miscarriage and was grieving? Or I wasn't able to conceive, and her words were like salt in the wound? Or, I could just be the type that doesn't want to have children and am perfectly happy with that and don't want to be called fat. I felt like telling her "It's none of your damn business," but I ended up responding, "I guess I can lose a few pounds to avoid that misconception from now on. To answer your question, I've never been pregnant." As soon as I got home, I wept.

There's this lady at work, too, that will ask me when I'm planning to have kids from time to time. I just respond with a vague, "We'll see." Then she will look at me up and down, taking a long look at my stomach, and will say things like "You will love being a mother! Just you wait." Sigh. I'm sure it's coming from a "good" heart (and also being nosy, if I'm being pessimistic), but I wish she'd just drop it after many awkward times we've had to say the same things to each other over and over.

I've felt pressures from my family to "hurry up and get pregnant already," as well.

If I mention I am not feeling well and am dizzy, people automatically speculate that I am pregnant. Other women {some mere acquaintances} have come up to me and said, "You know, when I was your age I already had two children."

People, bottom line is, don't ask someone if they are pregnant or prod on to ask, "So when are you guys going to have a baby?" It may seem like an innocent and "natural" thing to ask a lady, especially a married woman, but it's actually really personal. You don't know what that person is going through, and true -- you wouldn't know until you asked if they didn't share it with you already-- but what difference does it make on your personal life whether you knew another couple is pregnant, trying, or whatever? Just. Don't. Ask. The same goes for unwarranted advice or "friendly encouragements." Please stop with the body shaming, age shaming, and the condescending/insensitive remarks. Save yourself some embarrassment and awkward silences. Until the person opens up the discussion on her own, keep your thoughts to yourself.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hi there! My husband and I are newlyweds ♥ We adopted our beagle, Louie, in 2011. This blog allows me to chronicle our lives together as a family. Thank you for stopping by! WWW.KIDGRANNY.BLOGSPOT.COM

4 comments :

  1. Oh I have definitely asked these questions because I did think it was natural, but once I started to have infertility issues I began to realize how inappropriate it was. I hope that you and your husband will find the right time and send lots of good vibes. xx

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  2. OMG why do people ask if you're pregnant when they have no clue if you even are?! that happened to me before at the dentist a few years back... at first i was embarrassed (because I was about 15-20lbs heavier and had a belly, especially when i was sitting lol) but then i was just mad!! who asks that?! people don't think! but anyways.... we're having this whole baby struggle/situation right now! we're having a hard time and it's really starting to take a toll on me... i just have to keep reminding myself that whatever happens, happens.... and we will get through it!

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    Replies
    1. Oof, I have that conversation with my dentist once a year, too.

      Dentist: "So are you pregnant or thinking about starting a family now that you're married?"
      Me: "Not yet."
      Dentist: "Hmm...I see..."

      lol, super awkward!

      We'll get through this together, Jess :)

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